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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A Modest Proposal: Ban on Male Ejaculation

If you've been following the news lately, particularly the news involving GOP candidates and politicians, you know that there's a war going on. No, not those silly goings on overseas! I'm talking about the War on Women. To some people, I'm sure that sounds hyperbolic to say the least. But make no mistake, there are men, and a small handful of women ('Aunt Toms') that are seeking to eliminate the reproductive rights of women. It's making women pay for "rape kits",  forcing women to get penetrative ultrasounds in the case of abortion, and the elimination of Planned Parenthood, among other things. Basically, these so-called Conservatives are telling women that if you get raped, or you or your child are in danger of severe physical injury or're on your own.

The primary excuse that these people use in justifying their view is the "right to life" argument. This being that life begins at conception. Basically, as soon as the load is has begun. Well, that's all well and good, but inaccurate. I rightly argue that life actually begins WAY BEFORE the sperm reaches the egg. The sperm ITSELF is a living thing:

See that? THAT, my friends, is life! And when you put things in that perspective, you have to consider that EVERY TIME a male ejaculates...LIFE is created. Which brings me to the obvious point: Male masturbation, and sex without procreation, leads to male ejaculation which, in turn, kills MILLIONS upon MILLIONS of living beings.

Listen, boys-- think about how often you've masturbated up to this moment. Anytime you release in your hand, a sock, a tissue, or a back, an ass, or a are basically creating and destroying life. Just think of how many US Presidents, or great surgeons or filmmakers, or Hitlers you are killing weekly, daily, or hourly! Where is the "right to life" argument then?! Every single one of those spermatozoa you excrete is alive, and every time you spank it to are killing GENERATIONS of humans! This makes ALL human males among the most infamous of serial killers. And we are ALL getting away with it! Well, not anymore!

Men should ONLY be allowed to ejaculate when they are in the process of impregnating a woman. That means teenage boys, single men, and homosexuals are NOT ALLOWED to cum without female egg fertilization. This way, there will be NO NEED for abortions-- women won't get knocked up without getting married first! This also means NO GAY MARRIAGE-- hell, NO GAYS AT ALL...which will make right wingers and Evangelicals VERY HAPPY. This is also environmentally sound. No more unnecessary laundry, or wasted tissues, napkins, or paper towels. EVERY SPERM will be accounted for by our population count!

So you see-- we can protect women's reproductive rights by being responsible, and showing a little restraint. After all...every life, and every sperm, is sacred:

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